My Secret Nighttime Pleasures

I’ve been married to my wife for ten years now. We have a good relationship, but lately it’s felt like we’re just going through the motions. I love her more than anything, but sometimes at night when she’s asleep, something else takes over and I find myself sneaking into our bedroom after she’s in bed. I used to masturbate with just my hand or a toy, but now I feel this intense urge to touch myself with her underwear on. It’s like imagining what it would be like if we were in one of those sexy films that sometimes play late at night on cable TV. There are days when I think about how different our life might look if she and I embraced more spontaneous or passionate sexual encounters. Tonight, as usual, I lay next to her after she was fast asleep, staring at the ceiling, my mind racing with desires I knew were never going to be fulfilled here in this bedroom. It’s not that there isn’t love, it’s just that... something is missing. The urge became too much and I took off the nightshirt she had been sleeping in earlier. It felt wrong but oddly exciting to have her underwear in my hand as I touched myself, imagining how much better things would be if only we could find a way to rekindle our passion without fear of judgment or concern for what others think. My fingers slipped inside the wet fabric, and I rubbed against it, mimicking the motions that she often denied me during our actual love-making sessions. I whispered her name softly as my body tensed up, each stroke bringing closer to an orgasm that felt like a betrayal but also a release of all pent-up frustrations. It was the first time in years where I had truly felt alive and connected with myself, despite it being so profoundly separate from who we are together. Afterward, I slipped her underwear back into place on the floor, careful to hide any signs that anything happened. Lying next to my sleeping wife, guilt and longing mingled in equal parts, as I hoped for a tomorrow where we could find a way to bridge this gap between what I feel and what she’s willing to give.