too many books under my bed

so i was this college prof and thought i knew everything, but then last year i met a student online, jessica. she's in her twenties now but still studying with me, even though we're not supposed to be that close coz of the whole teacher-student thing. anyway, long story short, after lotsa coffee chats and late night emails, it kinda got real between us but then i found out she has a bf back home. so instead of ending it all, i thought why not just have fun with her anyway? we both agreed on keeping it CNC, consensual non-consent type stuff. the first time was... intense to say the least. i had this whole scene planned where she comes into my office like a student looking for help but instead finds me waiting there. of course, she knows it's all made up and just plays along because we both like that kind of roleplay. no real harm done, right? everyone knew what was going on. but then came the part where things got tricky. after a few weeks of this CNC stuff, i started to blur lines between reality and fantasy more often than not. i'd find myself wanting her for real, but she always kept it clear that we were just having fun with these pretend scenarios. one day i tried bringing up something serious like maybe seeing each other outside the school setting as actual adults, but she didn't seem into that at all. now i'm stuck wondering if this was ever really about us or just some kind of kinky game for her. and me? well, i might've crossed a line by trying to make it real when we both agreed on keeping things fake. not sure what's next but figured i should probably stick with my own life instead of getting tangled up in someone else's fantasies.