he doesn't want this anymore

so i been dating this guy for almost two years now and we've always been pretty solid on the sex front. we started off kinda slow though, nothing too crazy or intense at first. but as time went by, i got into some really specific kinks, one of them being pain play. not the hard core stuff but enough to where it would turn me on big time. and he was cool with that for a while, even tried his hand at it a few times. but lately, things have been different. whenever i try to bring up the topic or make suggestions, he just avoids eye contact, changes the subject, or makes excuses. i can tell by how quiet he gets or how tense his muscles get in bed that he's not comfortable anymore. and it breaks my heart a little because this is who i am now, these are my desires. we had a talk about it last week and he said there was nothing wrong with me or our relationship but he just doesn't feel like he can do it anymore. respect as much as it kills me inside to hear him say that. so we agreed not to force anything until i find someone else who will want this. but tonight, i couldn't take it anymore and had this wild urge come over me. went into the kitchen and found an old wooden spoon from before, one of those long handles. started imagining what it could feel like if he was still interested... fingers tracing down its length, my thighs trembling as i leaned back against the counter... it's hard being honest about these things sometimes, but at least writing this helps get some weight off my chest.