Alone on Base

I’ve been living here as the wife of a deployed soldier for almost two years now. The loneliness is so profound that sometimes I feel like there’s nothing but empty space around me, even when I’m surrounded by people. But it’s not just about missing him; it’s also about all the other things I see and experience in this isolated military community. There are nights where I can’t sleep, where my thoughts spiral into dark places, imagining myself with another man. It sounds terrible, but there have been times when I’ve fantasized about a random soldier walking past me and just dragging me off to an empty room or vehicle, the thrill of that kind of rough take, not rape, never real violence, but a sudden heat that would drown out all my loneliness and fear. The idea scares and excites me, this fantasy that maybe someone else could bring me that feeling I used to get from watching action movies with him, the rush of adrenaline, the feeling like anything is possible when he’s around. But it’s just a dream, right? A lonely one.