My Secret Dilemma with a Colleague

I've been working at this company for about two years now. I don't have a partner and honestly, I'm okay with that. I like my independence and the freedom it brings. But there's one thing that's been gnawing at me for weeks, something I can barely bring myself to think about let alone say out loud. A few months ago, our department hired a new colleague named Alex who is in their mid-20s, just like me. From the start, it felt weirdly familiar; we share many interests and even some personal quirks that only really click with someone you've known for years. We ended up getting coffee together after work a few times and one night, I found myself explaining why I hadn't dated much since college. That's when things started to feel off. We were both pretty drunk at this point and Alex mentioned their own dating experiences or lack thereof. It wasn’t so much the conversation itself as how it felt, like we were sharing something that was supposed to be private, not discussed over coffee after work. And then it happened. We started texting late into the night, talking about everything but the usual work stuff. I never thought of Alex in any way beyond being a co-worker, until one day, out of nowhere, my phone buzzed with a message that made me stop dead in my tracks. It was something along the lines of wanting to explore this connection more and I froze. The next day at work, I tried ignoring it but there’s no denying how strange it felt seeing them now that I knew about this new dynamic. That's when I did something out of character, I told Alex outright that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything romantic or otherwise beyond our friendship. I think deep down, I wanted to avoid admitting the truth: what if I am interested? What then? The funny thing is, after setting those boundaries, it’s hard not to wonder if I’m being a hypocrite because now every interaction feels charged with this unspoken tension. It's like having a secret door that should be left closed but occasionally opens on its own. I keep telling myself I'm doing the right thing by keeping our relationship strictly professional, but there are nights when I look at my phone and can't help feeling like maybe I missed something bigger, an opportunity for more than just coffee and small talk. Now, every glance in Alex's direction feels loaded with unspoken words and possibilities that I should probably let go of. I’m stuck in this weird limbo where I feel conflicted yet relieved to have set those boundaries. It’s like a dream you can’t wake from; the more you try to leave it behind, the clearer it becomes.