Caught in My Own Desire

I’m engaged to Helen, but lately I’ve been feeling a strange pull towards something that scares me, my fascination with CNC. It all started about six months ago when she and I were playing a romantic movie, one where the hero is seduced by someone claiming he’s her superior and has authority over her. As they exchanged kisses and caresses, I found myself getting harder than ever before in our relationship. Helen noticed my reaction but thought it was just because of how exciting the scene was for both of us. She never suspected that when we paused the movie to make love later that night, all I could think about was pretending not to be interested in her as a kind act towards a subordinate or an employee she had hired for some odd job around the house. Since then, this thought has been nagging at me like an itch that won’t go away. The idea of pretending Helen is someone beneath me, perhaps a young employee who’s desperate to please and advance in her career by getting close to me, turns me on more than I want to admit. It’s wrong, but I’m 50 years old, and my hormones are raging. One day, as we were discussing our wedding plans over dinner, Helen started talking about how she admired a boss who was passionate yet authoritative in the workplace. That night, after Helen fell asleep, I lay awake staring at her sleeping form. My mind wandered to fantasies where Helen would wake up to find herself under my command, forced into submission and obeying every order without question. The thought of her responding with such fiery passion despite being intimidated by me made the heat pool between my legs. I know deep down that it’s unhealthy and twisted, but there is this strange allure in controlling Helen, making her feel like she has no other choice than to submit entirely to what I want. This dark craving for CNC roleplay is eating at me from inside out; however, every time I dare to mention anything about it even jokingly, the guilt overwhelms me and drives away any chance of us exploring something new together. The irony is painful: here we are planning our future as partners who respect each other fully, yet this secret desire threatens to unravel everything that Helen and I have built over decades. It’s hard not feeling like a complete hypocrite in the middle of the night when all I can picture is us breaking from the conventional path, something so far removed from what we truly stand for. So now there's a part of me that wants desperately to be with Helen, but also another voice whispering about forbidden acts and how they ignite sensations deeper than anything else. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff; every step towards it feels more liberating, yet terrifying at the same time.