...I'm Not Sure What To Call This...

So yeah, I just got over with my long-term partner a couple weeks ago... It's weird to be alone in the house again after all these years. We did pretty much everything together, but there was this one thing we never could agree on. She didn't really like the idea of it at all, even though she knew I fantasized about it for years. I'm not sure how to start explaining this... It's so weird to think out loud like this... But I keep thinking back to that first time when I was with my ex-boyfriend. We were both just barely eighteen, and we decided one night we'd try something different.... It started as a dare really... But once he did it... Oh God, it felt so good... I can still remember the way his fingers slipped into that tight spot... How I moaned out loud even though we were in my parents' garage... The way he kept pushing deeper and deeper... But my ex left town shortly after, and I never found anyone else who'd agree to it again until a couple years back with her. But she just couldn't handle the idea of it no matter how many times we tried to work through it together.... So now that we're over... Well, I'm starting to think maybe I should look into finding someone online who gets this... Who's down for all kinds of play... Maybe even more than me... I just don't know if I can go another day without having someone do it again. The thought is so hot....