When My Kink Turned into an Addiction

So here's the thing. I've always been into roleplay and control play with my husband Mike. We've done some pretty intense stuff over the years, but it never felt weird or wrong because we always checked in with each other, made sure everything was consensual. But lately, something changed. I started craving more of that feeling of giving up all power to someone else. The complete surrender is exhilarating, almost addictive. We tried to keep up the same communication and safe words, but it's getting harder for me to stop once we start playing. It feels like a switch gets flipped in my head, I want him to push boundaries more than ever before. He's not comfortable with that shift though; he wants us both to have clear limits. I've been sneaking behind his back, finding strangers online willing to take me further. I know it's dangerous and probably illegal, but the rush of breaking those self-imposed rules is like nothing else. The fear of getting caught just makes it hotter in a way that Mike can't match anymore. I'm so scared of losing control completely, both the emotional kind with our marriage, but also literally having someone hurt me without checking in first. I tried talking to Mike about this new side of me, but he’s understandably freaked out and doesn’t know how to handle it. And that's where things are at right now. I feel like a different person than the one who married him; still love him, but these urges pull me in darker directions all the time. Not sure if there's hope for pulling back or whether this is something bigger I need help with.