..struggling with desire...

I've been married for five years now, but this week has just felt so incredibly mundane. My work is boring, my home life's monotonous... and yet there's a part of me that wants something else, something more forbidden. The other day, I found myself sneaking away from the office at lunch to visit an adult store... it was like I had no control over what I was doing. When I got back to work, I couldn't focus at all; all I could think about were fantasies involving my coworker, a married man with kids of his own. It's just wrong, but... part of me is turned on by the idea that it might never happen, like the danger and taboo make it more exciting somehow. Tonight, I'm going home early to try to calm these thoughts down... but when I got there last night after work, I ended up turning off all the lights downstairs, waiting until my husband was asleep upstairs, then putting on some of those dirty videos I bought earlier. I couldn't watch them though, just touching myself while pretending that I was in one of those scenes with a stranger who wasn't going to be there at all. It's hard to admit this... but something about the fantasy feels right to me somehow, even if it's totally messed up and could never actually happen. The guilt is overwhelming though, maybe I need to figure out what’s really going on inside my head before anything worse happens.