The Weight of Secrets in Marriage

I met my wife when we were both in our twenties. We had a whirlwind romance that lasted three years before we tied the knot. Over time, though, the spark began to fade and I found myself growing distant. It wasn't about her, she's still wonderful, kind, beautiful, but something inside me was changing. I started exploring outside of our marriage. Nothing too serious, just a few one-night stands here and there. Each time, though, it felt like cheating on more than just my wife. I cheated on the vows we made to build a future together, on the life we planned. When she found out about my infidelity, we had an open heart-to-heart. She forgave me, but it was clear our bond had changed. The trust that once felt unbreakable now seemed fragile and easily shattered. A few months ago, I started seeing someone more regularly outside of the marriage. This time, it's different, there’s a level of intimacy and connection that makes it hard to turn off completely. But every time we're together, guilt eats away at me knowing what my actions do to her. Am I being an asshole for staying committed but also pursuing something with another woman? How can I find balance between the love for my wife and the feelings I have elsewhere? Please leave your thoughts in the comments.