My Secret Engagement Nighttime Routine

I'm engaged to him, my fiance is a good guy. We're planning our wedding and everything but I have this secret thing that happens every night when he's asleep. It starts with me just feeling alone even though we share a bed, like there's some big wall between us. Sometimes it feels like I'll never be truly seen for who I am inside. So yeah, the nights get hard sometimes and...I need to do something about my feelings, you know? I start off slow, just touching myself in the dark, trying not to wake him. But then it gets more intense. My fingers work faster as I lie there next to him, imagining another man, someone who understands all of me, not just this half that society sees. I end up sliding a toy inside, pressing it deep against places only I know how to touch like that. There's no rush, no worry about being quiet, it's the night when I can finally be me without pretending. The vibrations pulse through my body and I shiver, every inch of pleasure felt tenfold as if trying to make up for all those times I've held back during sex with him. It's a weird kind of relief and sorrow at once, knowing that this is my secret way out, even though it's really just another form of pretending. But there are nights where the fantasy feels more real than reality ever does with anyone else.