My Big Little Lie

I've been carrying this around for a long time now and it feels like I can't breathe anymore. My name's Jamie, and I'm 25. I don't have a partner right now, but I know plenty of people who do. And that's where my big little lie comes from. It was last summer when we were on vacation with friends in Colorado. Everyone was happy, drinking beer by the campfire, telling stories. We all went around and shared something interesting about our lives that others might not know. It’s a bonding thing, right? I had this moment where I could just tell everyone everything or make up some story to fit in. So much pressure from every direction: fitting in as a trans guy, being accepted, not coming across as weird or different. What if they think less of me? They're all so together and happy with their partners. So I made something up. 'I'm seeing this really great therapist who specializes in helping couples work through issues,' I said proudly. My friends were nodding and smiling, and one even asked for the number to recommend it. It felt good at first, like I was part of a club. But then came the guilt. Every time someone asks how things are going or if my 'therapist' has given me any advice, my heart sinks. I don't know what to say. Should I just tell them that I'm alone and it's all a lie? That would be so embarrassing. It feels like such a small thing but it hangs over me every day. I keep thinking about being honest, but the fear of judgment stops me cold. It's pathetic really, especially for someone who talks openly about their journey in other ways. This tiny fib has grown into this huge weight on my chest. I'm hoping writing this down will help me feel better and maybe even take that leap towards honesty. Maybe it's just time to stop pretending.