It Wasn't Meant To Be A Secret

So yeah, I'm this grad school dropout thing, and it's been hard. My partner and I are good together in all the usual ways, like we care about each other a lot, and have fun on dates and stuff. But lately? Lately there’s been something I feel guilty about that just won't leave me alone. We have this rule where everything is supposed to be open and honest, but it's like...I don't know how to say it out loud without feeling sick. We were hanging out the other night, and we kind of got into a kink thing I never would've thought about before, a roleplay kind of deal that's pretty far from our usual stuff. It wasn't real, just pretend, but there was this moment when my heart was pounding so hard because it felt so close to something dangerous. I mean, nothing actually happened, and we both know consent is everything, definitely no real non-consent here, even though the theme of what we were playing with is all about pushing boundaries that aren't safe in reality. It's just sitting with me now that there's this part of our relationship that feels kinda hidden. It isn't meant to be like that, I want us to have space for weird stuff and experimentation, but it’s making me question everything. And I don’t even know if I should talk about it or just try to forget.