A Secret from My Past Life

Ever since I became a stay-at-home parent, my life has felt like it's turned into a monochrome painting with only shades of gray and brown. The world outside seems to have moved on without me while I'm stuck in this endless cycle of laundry, feeding, and nap times. But there’s one thing from before that I can’t shake off, something I haven't told my spouse about. It was this intense connection with a coworker back when I still worked long hours at an office job. We'd find ways to slip away for a few moments during lunch or after everyone else left for the day. Just enough to keep the flame burning, but not enough to get caught. The secrecy and thrill of it made me feel alive in a way that parenthood hasn't yet. And sometimes I wonder if those memories will ever fade, or if they'll always stay as vivid reminders of what used to be possible when I wasn’t just 'Mom'. It’s sad how much I miss feeling seen, how much I miss that rush from something risky and clandestine. Maybe one day I’ll find a way to recapture some of that excitement without hurting anyone, but until then, it's my little secret, locked away in the back corners of my mind.