Caught in a Vulnerable Moment

I met my spouse when I was still figuring out who I am. It wasn't until we were both in our twenties that I felt comfortable coming out as nonbinary to them, and we've been married for about three years now. We have a great relationship overall, but there are these moments of vulnerability that feel like the biggest secret I keep from them. This past year has been particularly challenging because I started questioning whether my attraction to someone else was just curiosity or if it's deeper than that. It happened when we were both at a friend’s wedding last summer. We had stayed up late dancing and drinking, and there was this guy who kept glancing at me from the other side of the room. He seemed interested too, but whenever I would think about going over to talk, my partner would grab my hand or make a joke that brought us back together. It wasn't until after we were on our way home in the car late one night that it all came out. I had these lingering thoughts and couldn’t stop thinking about how his gaze lingered on me during the dance floor interactions. I felt this strange pull towards him that was hard to ignore. As much as I loved my spouse, there was something about this guy that made my heart flutter in a way it hadn't with anyone else before. We were talking and joking around after the wedding when I confided some of these thoughts to my partner, explaining that it felt wrong but also like an awakening. My partner looked at me with concern rather than jealousy or anger, which surprised me, but we agreed to give each other space to figure things out. The real test came a few days later when the guy messaged me on social media. I told him how I was feeling and we set up a call. It felt like an escape from reality for a moment, talking about everything that had been bottled up inside me. We didn't do anything inappropriate or share any secrets, but it felt good to get some of these feelings out in the open. I haven’t spoken to him since then; instead, I've focused on understanding and accepting my own desires. This confession is hard for me because despite everything, I feel a little relieved that I can finally put this part of myself into words. It's scary too because it challenges who I thought I was in relation to my spouse and my marriage. The guilt lingers, but perhaps admitting this opens up the possibility for growth.