Missing the Rush of Risky Play

I haven't felt like myself since the divorce. Just wanted to let something out without overthinking it. My ex and I used to play a lot, you know? Like this one time, we did something real taboo but consensual, stuff that was just enough on the edge to get us going. We had codes for when things got too intense, but now it feels like all those signals are gone, dead in my head. Can't find anyone who understands the rush I'm craving anymore. It's lonely here, feeling these urges and not knowing how to talk about them without sounding crazy.