It Was My First Time Since The Divorce... And It Wasn't With Another Person

I recently got separated from my wife and it's been a tough few months. I felt really lost, you know? Like there was this big part of me that didn't quite have a home anymore. Anyway, last weekend, I had to work late at the hospital, and when I got off, I just wanted some time alone in my apartment. That night, something strange happened, I found myself feeling... well, let's call it lonely in ways I hadn't anticipated. Not necessarily for someone else, but more like an emptiness inside that yearning for companionship can sometimes fill. So there I was, lying on the couch, just kind of staring at my phone when it hit me, I wanted to feel something again, you know? Something physical and real. And somehow, my mind went back to those moments from a long time ago before kids and medicine filled every waking thought. The things I used to do alone that felt secretive but also so incredibly liberating. I started with little touches here and there, holding my own hand under the blanket, just feeling it, exploring the lines of my palm. Then, as I continued down this path, everything got a bit more explicit. I found myself in places I hadn't been since before all the changes, like old memories coming alive again but much clearer. It sounds ridiculous and I feel so ashamed to even type this out, maybe that's part of why I'm doing it. To admit it finally to myself instead of letting it fester as some weird private shame. But honestly, in those moments when no one else was around, the physical sensations were comforting somehow. And oddly enough, it made me feel a little more like my old self again before all this happened. But here's where things got confusing, afterward, I felt both relieved and strangely sad at once. It reminded me of who I used to be but also how far away that seems now. So I just sat there for hours after it was over, staring out the window into the dark city lights wondering what kind of person does something like this. Now that I've finally admitted all this on paper, or in this case, typed it out, I feel better somehow. Less alone, maybe? And a little bit more honest with myself about how complicated life can be.