My Students' Eyes Tell a Different Story Than My Heart Does

I've been dating casually for a few months now, trying to keep things light and carefree. I'm in my early forties and teaching philosophy at the university level, which can be both rewarding and isolating. Recently, though, there's this guy who seems interested, we meet up occasionally, share stories over dinner or drinks. It feels nice, but it’s not the kind of connection I want right now. What haunts me is how my heart aches whenever I look at one of my students during class and catch their eye. There's something about the way they regard me, perhaps it's just admiration for an academic or mentor figure, but in those moments, I feel seen in a way that’s rare elsewhere in my life. It's not that I have any inappropriate thoughts toward them; far from it. Still, there are times when their youthful energy seems to mirror a part of myself that yearns for something more vibrant and passionate than what I currently experience. Sometimes, during those class discussions where minds collide over deep philosophical questions, I find myself almost daydreaming about what life would be like if my romantic relationships could match the intellectual spark and emotional engagement I feel in the classroom. It's a strange dichotomy, feeling professionally fulfilled yet personally empty. I know it’s not feasible or ethical to entertain such thoughts seriously, but they linger nonetheless.