Admitting My Dark Desires Post-Divorce

Since my recent separation from my wife, I've found myself drawn to places and scenarios that I never imagined possible. It began innocently enough with a few late-night internet searches for content that was outside of the norm, but as time went on, it escalated into more than just passive viewing. I started visiting adult establishments where I could act out some of these darker fantasies in person. The thrill of stepping into a world completely opposite to my professional life as a doctor was intoxicating yet terrifying at the same time. Engaging with strangers in acts that would be considered taboo and illicit elsewhere felt like an escape from reality, but every encounter left me feeling more isolated and conflicted. I worry about what this means for me moving forward, how do I reconcile these desires with my responsibilities as a medical professional and someone who upholds certain moral standards? It's hard to admit out loud, let alone in writing, but it feels like I need to share this somewhere if only to acknowledge that part of myself exists.