My Secret from Grad School

I never thought I'd be writing this, but here goes. It's been two years since I left grad school after struggling with my marriage and trying to find a balance between academic pressure and personal life. My wife, let’s call her Mary, is a kind soul, and we love each other deeply, but we've had our share of challenges too. During my last year in grad school, there was this intense feeling that I needed to explore something beyond the confines of our marriage. It started with long nights at the university cafe where I’d find myself staring at someone from across the room. Her name is Jane, a fellow student in a different program but always seemed like she could understand my struggles. As weeks turned into months, the tension between us grew palpable. We'd meet for coffee, exchange books and notes on shared interests. It wasn't until late one night that everything changed. The cafe was empty except for us, and we started talking about our dreams and fears in a way I hadn’t with anyone else before. There was an understanding there that felt beyond just friendship. That's when things escalated. We didn't make any explicit plans; it just sort of happened one evening after class. It wasn't anything overly graphic or detailed, but it left me feeling guilty and confused. Since then, I’ve distanced myself from Jane as best I can, trying to focus on my marriage and career. But the memories keep coming back, along with feelings that I thought were long buried or gone for good. Now, here I am, a year out of grad school and still struggling with this secret that feels like it will never fully leave me alone.