Doctor's Patient Confession

I’m a general practitioner in my late forties and have been married to my wife for over twenty years. We have two kids and generally a stable family life, with our marriage as solid as ever. However, I have this strange fascination that’s been nagging at me since before I can remember, I get turned on by the idea of medical power dynamics between doctors and their patients. I’ve never acted on these urges, at least not in reality. But last month, while seeing a new patient, things took an unexpected turn. She was a young woman in her twenties who came to me complaining about persistent headaches. During our conversation, I picked up that she worked as a personal assistant and had been going through some stressful times with a demanding job. That night, after the visit, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. It wasn’t just her physical appearance but something about how vulnerable she seemed while I was examining her. It made me feel powerful in a way that shouldn’t have felt right. Fast forward to the next week, and there I was seeing her again for follow-up tests. This time, when we were alone, my brain started playing tricks on me. I found myself becoming increasingly curious about what she might be like if our dynamic crossed certain lines, if I didn’t treat her just as a patient but played into this fantasy that had been growing in the back of my mind. To my surprise and horror, I ended up asking her about boundaries and how she felt about me in a more personal capacity. It was completely inappropriate and out of character for me. She was clearly shocked and didn’t say much beyond telling me to focus on my job and our patient relationship only. After that day, I cut myself off from seeing her again. I’m still grappling with these feelings, wondering if they’ll ever leave me or how I can deal with them responsibly as a medical professional who needs to maintain ethical standards.