engaged and experimenting

i been dating this guy for a few years now and we got engaged last month. i love him but there’s always something missing in bed. so lately, i’ve started experimenting with other guys on the side. i’m telling my fiancé nothing and just going out to clubs or online dating apps to hook up. it’s been this weird secret life of mine for like a year now. i tell myself it’s just fun but deep down i know i want something more than what we have. tonight i was with some guy who had a kink into spanking. he got rough and it made me feel things i never felt before, all hot and bothered and kinda scared at the same time. now here i am writing this confession feeling like such a mess inside. i love my fiancé but i don’t want to lie to him anymore. maybe i need counseling or something but right now i’m stuck in this weird spot of wanting it all yet being content with none. what’s wrong with me? i just feel so torn and can’t stop.