Caught In A Moment Of Vulnerability

I was with Alex and Jamie last night. We've been doing this for a while now, since the three of us decided we wanted to explore more open dynamics in our relationship. It's never easy, but it feels right most days. Alex came over first and I made drinks as he chatted about work stuff. I know they both have their own boundaries and lines, but there's something freeing about just letting things unfold naturally, especially when you're with people who care about your comfort level. Jamie arrived an hour later looking all fresh from a run, always such a sight for sore eyes. We talked more, got to know each other better. There's this ease between us now that wasn't there at the beginning. But last night... Alex and Jamie started kissing in front of me. It happened so fast, I didn't see it coming. They were laughing, but their touch felt different. Intense. I wanted to join them, really did, but also couldn't get past this feeling of being left out. Like my presence wasn’t enough anymore. That hurt more than anything. My heart was racing, palms sweaty as I tried to keep up with the conversation that didn't include me in those moments. Alex and Jamie pulled back eventually, noticing how I'd tensed up. They both looked at me apologetically, but it wasn’t just about them now. It was about me not feeling like part of what was happening between us anymore. We talked later. Told each other everything we could feel in that moment. It’s not that they don't want me, they do. But the rawness of being onlooker instead of participant, even for a second, it cut deep. I'm still processing this, trying to understand what those minutes meant. Was I jealous? Yes. Did it change anything? Not yet. We agreed to take things slow and just be there for each other. Right now, all I know is that it’s not easy being left out even briefly in a setup we all chose together. It’s scary territory sometimes, but worth exploring with people who get you.