Why Did I Cheat on Myself?

I'm fifty-two and have been single for over a decade. My academic career as a professor has always taken precedence in my life. I've never found anyone who understood my work or shared my passion for the classics. But lately, there's this void inside me that feels like more than just solitude. Last week, while grading papers late into the night, I received a message from someone on an online dating app, someone young, vibrant, and with interests completely different from mine. We exchanged messages over days; they were charming, engaging, and it was refreshing to speak with someone who didn't need validation or approval in every sentence. Then, something peculiar happened. I started imagining what it would be like if we met in person. The conversations grew more intimate, and the line between online friendship and a virtual affair blurred. There were moments where I felt a connection deeper than any platonic interaction had given me before. It was exhilarating but also unsettling. The turning point came when this person sent an explicit message suggesting they would meet up if we were in their city for an upcoming conference on Romantic literature. They wrote, 'I've been reading your work and know you'll appreciate our conversation.' That evening, after the exchange, I felt a mix of arousal and guilt, arousal because there was something about this person that intrigued me deeply, and guilt because it wasn't just infidelity to my life's quiet routine; it seemed more like betrayal to myself. I've never been in such a situation before, nor have I considered myself capable of cheating or even harboring fantasies that would lead to such an act. But here I am, at the crossroads where virtual affection meets real-world ethics. Why did I allow this to happen? More importantly, how do I reconcile these feelings now that they've come to light? How can one respect boundaries and still acknowledge desires that may challenge moral or ethical lines? Your thoughts on this are much appreciated.