When I Crossed the Line Without Consent from My Partner

I've been married to Sarah for over two decades now. We have this thing where we share everything, finances, kids, dreams. But I never thought it would end up like this. It all started when I met a woman online who was into CNC (Consensual Non-Consent). At first, I thought it was just a fantasy, nothing serious or real. Sarah knows about my hobby with writing erotic stories, but she's not really into the kink side of things. We have an open relationship, and both of us respect each other's boundaries and choices. But last month, something inside me snapped when I read one of her CNC stories from another partner. I thought maybe if I tried it once, just for myself, no strings attached, I could figure out whether this was really something I wanted to pursue with someone else or not. So, I reached out to a local performer who does CNC professionally and told her what I had in mind. She warned me about how important consent is but agreed to help me explore. It was intense, more than I ever imagined. The way she spoke, the touch, it all felt so real, yet we were completely clear before every step that this was playacting and nothing more. But here's where things got messy: back home with Sarah, her voice in my head kept echoing the words of what I'd done. Was it okay for me to do something without checking with Sarah first? Should our boundaries be so strict we can't even explore alone within a clear consensual framework like this? Now I'm second-guessing everything. Part of me feels like an asshole, invading our partnership's integrity and her trust in me implicitly respecting our limits. But another part wonders if it was ever just about me trying to understand myself better, or if I should have talked with Sarah more deeply about where the line is when exploring personal desires alone but safely. The guilt gnaws at me still, wondering what I've done and how we can move forward from here.