Older than Me

I've been married for eight years now to my beautiful wife, Sara. We have an amazing life together with two wonderful kids and a cozy home in the suburbs. But there's this thing that's always simmered beneath the surface...a taboo fantasy that I can't seem to shake off. When we first met, she was working part-time at a local coffee shop while studying for her master’s degree. She was fresh out of college and full of life, with this innocence that drew me in like a moth to a flame. I remember thinking there was something about being older than her...it made everything feel more illicit, more thrilling. I'm thirty-eight now, and Sara is just entering her thirties. She's still got that youthful energy but with the wisdom of someone who’s experienced life's ups and downs. But it never goes away, the desire to be this kind of protector, mentor...and something else entirely. Sometimes I find myself slipping into these daydreams where we're not equals, but she’s more like a student of mine at college, or a young professional under my wing at work. It's always consensual and framed as role-play when it happens, but that dynamic is what turns me on the most. I know this isn't something I could ever fully bring up with Sara; our marriage thrives on open communication but there are some things I can only hold inside. So here’s my confession: despite everything we have together, a part of me craves this older-younger dynamic that feels so forbidden yet exhilarating. Am I the asshole for harboring these thoughts? Should I try to let go of them or is it okay as long as they're consensual and never acted upon in reality? ...