mistakes i made

so i just broke up with my ex and i am still trying to figure out everything that happened between us. we were together for a year and a half, but it was always this on again off again thing cus of her insecurities and her being clingy when we would be together then pushing me away when she felt threatened by other people or just because she wanted space. so i thought things started to get better recently. like the last few months were good. she was more open about what she wanted from the relationship, but still kept this really big part of her a secret and it came back to bite me in the ass. turns out she had been going to therapy for years but never told me. and one night we both got pretty drunk at this party and ended up fucking on some strangers couch, thinking it was ours cuz i was so wasted. it's not that big of a deal really, just the way she acted afterwards bothered me. like she didn't want to talk about it or even acknowledge it happened. it made me feel like there were so many things we never actually talked through. then comes out this week about how she’s still seeing her therapist and has been talking to them about me for months now, all the while telling me everything was going great between us. i mean yeah we did have our problems but i always thought it was just her anxiety flaring up again or something. now i feel like a complete fool. i guess in retrospect i knew deep down that there were still these walls between us but i kept hoping things would get better, you know? and then we both got into this situation where we ended up having pretty rough sex the night before her period started and she claimed it hurt so bad she was bleeding afterward. didn't mean to be a monster or anything, just one of those times i really wanted her but she seemed like she wasn’t feeling me. so now im all over the place trying to figure out if this is my fault for being impatient or if its hers for hiding all that stuff from me. feels weird not having any closure and still wondering if we could have worked it out somehow.