A Secret From My Past Life

I've been dating casually since retiring from academia last year. I thought my life would be straightforward and serene, but lately, an old memory keeps nagging at me like a loose thread that won't let go. It's about when I was still in my late 30s and teaching full-time. She was a student in her early twenties then, sharp-witted with a naughty streak she liked to hide behind sarcasm and clever comebacks. We clicked over the usual intellectual banter but it wasn't until a drunken night out during an academic conference that we crossed lines. She leaned into me as the evening progressed, whispering things I never expected from someone so young, but with an air of sophistication and confidence. That's when I gave in to temptation, she guided us back to my hotel room where everything changed. The way she moved was like she knew exactly what to do without being taught, her touch electric against mine. Now as I look back at that night, the shame and fear of being caught are still there, mixed with a sense of guilt for enjoying it so much. Yet, sometimes I wonder if she did too and how much we each wanted that moment. What am I supposed to do with these thoughts now? Am I just an old man playing mind games with myself or was that one night truly special? What would you tell me about all this, am I being ridiculous for holding onto something so long ago, or is it natural to want closure even decades later?