When My Body Betrayed Me

So, I've been with Jamie for over three years now. We have this really great life together, and we're both so happy about it. But there's something I haven't told him yet. It's not that he doesn't know I'm trans, but I never finished the process. And sometimes...sometimes I just feel like my body is betraying me. Last week, we were at this new hotel downtown for a weekend getaway. Everything was perfect until we got back to our room and Jamie wanted to do it on the bed. We started slow, and then things heated up fast. But something happened that I never expected: suddenly, my body went into what feels like reverse mode. I don't know how else to explain this...my vagina felt swollen and engorged in a way I've never experienced before during sex with Jamie. It was intense, almost too much, but it triggered an overwhelming urge for penetration that made me feel conflicted because my brain was telling me 'no' while my body said 'yes'. I couldn't ignore the physical sensations anymore. I reached out to touch myself and...it was so wet and tight, pulsing against my fingers in a way that felt both exciting and wrong at the same time. Jamie noticed how turned on I seemed, but also confused by what his own body wanted. We stopped for a moment to catch our breath. The look on his face mixed confusion with desire; he was unsure of what to do next because I suddenly wasn't sure either. This feeling, this conflict between my identity and the physical response from parts of my body that don't align with who I am...it's like a storm inside me every time something like this happens. I ended up pulling away from Jamie, and we just held each other until we fell asleep. The next day, all I could think about was how to explain what happened last night without it sounding like rejection or some sort of betrayal. But really, it's just that my body still has its own ideas sometimes. So here's the thing: I want Jamie to know this is not him, it's me, and it's okay. These moments don't define who we are as a couple, but they're hard for me because I'm trying so hard to be true to myself yet can’t shake these conflicting feelings off.