Non-monogamy 101

"Non-monogamy" is an umbrella term for any relationship structure where more than romantic or sexual exclusivity is on the table, and it covers a lot of very different arrangements that get lumped together and confused with each other. If a confession mentions an "open relationship" or "we're swingers," this is what those terms actually mean and how they're different.

Open relationships

An open relationship usually means a primary couple who has agreed that one or both partners can have sexual (and sometimes romantic) connections outside the relationship. The specifics vary enormously by couple: some allow anything as long as it's disclosed, some have a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement, some only allow it while traveling or under specific circumstances. There's no single template; what makes it "open" rather than cheating is simply that both partners know and agreed to it.

Swinging

Swinging specifically centers on couples engaging with other couples (or individuals) together, often at the same time and in the same place: a house party, a swingers' club, or a planned meetup with another couple. It's usually more about shared sexual experiences than ongoing separate relationships with outside partners, which is the main thing that distinguishes it from polyamory. See our Group Sex & Swinging category for confessions about how this actually plays out.

Polyamory

Polyamory means maintaining multiple romantic relationships at once, openly and with everyone's knowledge, not just sexual encounters on the side, but actual ongoing relationships, sometimes with their own separate emotional depth and commitment. Structures vary widely: some polyamorous people have one "primary" partner and other secondary relationships, others reject that hierarchy entirely. What all of it shares is that every relationship involved is known and consented to by everyone affected, which is the line that separates polyamory from an affair.

How this is different from cheating

The single thing that separates every form of non-monogamy above from cheating is consent and disclosure: everyone involved knows the arrangement and agreed to it. A relationship can have an explicit agreement and still have someone break it (going further than what was agreed, or hiding a connection that should have been disclosed), and confessions about that kind of betrayal-within-non-monogamy are common too. If secrecy from a partner is the actual center of your confession, it probably belongs in Cheating & Affairs instead, even if it started as an "open" arrangement.